Psycho Mommy

Today I snapped.

Goomba has been such an easy baby. She's adorable, quiet, sleeps and eats. There's nothing fussy about her. And so far, on this magical hormone ride, I've been getting by with just that. But today I just couldn't be calm anymore.

Squiget has been having a terrible time. And I understand her feelings. At least, I try my best. I know it must be so hard to deal with sharing me, with a new person in the house, with us changing everything about her life and not even asking her permission first! I've shed more than enough tears about it, and tried to be there, caring for her and understanding her as much as I could.

But today, at nap time, I just couldn't bear failing her anymore.

She was exhausted, and as we cuddled in the rocking chair to nurse before laying her down, she fell right asleep. Now, Squiget has not fallen asleep while nursing in MONTHS. Maybe not since she turned 2. She was so sweet, sleeping in my arms, and I hugged and rocked her for a few more moments, crying about how I have probably ruined her life with a sibling (not really... okay maybe a little).

Then I heard Goomba waking up, and stood up to lay Squiget down. As soon as she was in bed, though, she woke up. Realizing I was about to leave, she started to scream. And scream. And scream. I tried hugs, kisses, more hugs and petting her head but she just kept crying. I knew she was exhausted, I knew she was upset, but Goomba was crying too and she's just a baby. She doesn't know about nap times. So I left the room and Squiget started to scream as if her entire world was ending.

That's when I snapped.

Why couldn't she have just stayed asleep? Why did I have to leave her there crying her heart out, so I could go get her sister? Why couldn't she just nap?! Sleep was all she needed!

I turned around. I walked back in. I shouted over her. "Stop crying! Go to sleep!" She kept crying. I know screaming doesn't stop anyone from crying. I knew I had just shouted at her in a completely psycho, trying to scare her, crazy mommy voice. I knelt down beside her bed crying "Why? Why won't you just sleep?!"

Goomba was in hysterics in the next room. Crying harder than she ever has, even when they stabbed her foot for that newborn blood test. So I left Squiget there to cry herself to sleep.

I'm a horrible person.

This is not the mommy I want to be. And this is not the mommy they deserve.