Psycho Mommy

Today I snapped.

Goomba has been such an easy baby. She's adorable, quiet, sleeps and eats. There's nothing fussy about her. And so far, on this magical hormone ride, I've been getting by with just that. But today I just couldn't be calm anymore.

Squiget has been having a terrible time. And I understand her feelings. At least, I try my best. I know it must be so hard to deal with sharing me, with a new person in the house, with us changing everything about her life and not even asking her permission first! I've shed more than enough tears about it, and tried to be there, caring for her and understanding her as much as I could.

But today, at nap time, I just couldn't bear failing her anymore.

She was exhausted, and as we cuddled in the rocking chair to nurse before laying her down, she fell right asleep. Now, Squiget has not fallen asleep while nursing in MONTHS. Maybe not since she turned 2. She was so sweet, sleeping in my arms, and I hugged and rocked her for a few more moments, crying about how I have probably ruined her life with a sibling (not really... okay maybe a little).

Then I heard Goomba waking up, and stood up to lay Squiget down. As soon as she was in bed, though, she woke up. Realizing I was about to leave, she started to scream. And scream. And scream. I tried hugs, kisses, more hugs and petting her head but she just kept crying. I knew she was exhausted, I knew she was upset, but Goomba was crying too and she's just a baby. She doesn't know about nap times. So I left the room and Squiget started to scream as if her entire world was ending.

That's when I snapped.

Why couldn't she have just stayed asleep? Why did I have to leave her there crying her heart out, so I could go get her sister? Why couldn't she just nap?! Sleep was all she needed!

I turned around. I walked back in. I shouted over her. "Stop crying! Go to sleep!" She kept crying. I know screaming doesn't stop anyone from crying. I knew I had just shouted at her in a completely psycho, trying to scare her, crazy mommy voice. I knelt down beside her bed crying "Why? Why won't you just sleep?!"

Goomba was in hysterics in the next room. Crying harder than she ever has, even when they stabbed her foot for that newborn blood test. So I left Squiget there to cry herself to sleep.

I'm a horrible person.

This is not the mommy I want to be. And this is not the mommy they deserve.

And Then Pinkie Pie Walked Home

This morning was difficult. I'm having a hard time tandem nursing, so I have to convince Squiget that she has to wait her turn when Goomba is awake. This goes over less well every day I try it. It's like I'm slowly watching her break down; the happy and reasonable toddler I had two weeks ago is gradually losing it and falling apart - but there's nothing I can do about it. I hate how hard this is on her.

The rest of the day went pretty well. After naptime we went for our first walk together. It was Goomba's first time outside for longer than just going out to the car and back inside. But she was in the baby carrier and slept for the entire two hours. Poor Squiget is in bad form from being cooped up inside for so long! We were still a few blocks from home when she declared that she was tired and I needed to carry her home - which is pretty much impossible when wearing a newborn in a carrier. Luckily we took so long walking home that we met Husband on the way and he was able to carry her home.

Before that, however, Squiget wanted to go shopping. So, we stopped in at a few of the shops along main street. In the toy aisles of one particular pseudo department store we found ALL OF THE PONIES. Twilight Sparkle. Rarity. Rainbow Dash - all of them. Squiget was ecstatic. We only had enough money for one and she happily settled on Pinkie Pie

Pony Wedding Edition

Once she had paid for it, she naturally wanted it opened. I complied, and then it began - Pinkie Pie had to walk the whole way home. Squiget spent most of the rest of the walk squatting and shuffling along the sidewalk, "walking" her Pinkie Pony and encouraging her all the way. If it wasn't so darn adorable I would have been pulling my hair out.

Later today she had a few more meltdowns. I'm not sure if I'm doing okay or if I'm completely failing her as a mother. I just hope her feelings even out soon. On the bright side, she is still head over heels in love with Goomba - always wanting to hug and kiss her, declaring her love in the cutest toddler ways. I need to video it so I can show them when they're older and screaming at each other.

A Really Good Day

Today was a very good day. First thing in the morning, as I settled on the couch to nurse Goomba and watch Ponies with Squiget, Uncle T walked in! Squiget freaked out. She loves the guy. And he stayed the whole day. Mommy's busy with Goomba? No probs, Squiget will just play with her Uncle T. Big girl needs help changing, going potty, getting a toy, getting a snack, finding that specific episode of Ponies to watch? Guess what? Uncle T is here and he will take care of it!

I love visitors. Seriously. Poor Squiget has not been getting enough attention and it's really starting to show. It's tearing me apart inside. Even with help today, I still had to swallow a lump in my throat when I watched her bashing her toys together and shouting "Shut up! Cause I SAID SO!!" She's really got some issues - but short of ignoring the baby and devoting most of my time to her again, I'm really not sure what to do.

While Goomba was napping I decided some Mommy-Squiget time might help, so we went to the grocery store to buy supplies for lunch. Maybe it's part of being nearly two and a half, but she gets distracted really easy now. I had to physically touch her back or arm to get her back to reality every couple minutes in the store. If spending time just us helped I couldn't really tell...

Anyway, after Husband came home from work we packed up both kidlets and went out for Sushi with both girls. My first restaurant experience with Goomba was a bust - she slept the ENTIRE time. Amazing. Squiget  NEVER slept like that. It's really starting to weird me out...

Visiting Day

Ow.

I am in so much pain today, I could hardly get myself out of bed. It's worth it, though, because my house is now completely back in shape (with the exception of my brother's computer still humming away at my kitchen table.)

Goomba had a doctor's appointment today at 10, so I took Squiget to daycare and headed over to the office with carseat in tow. I'd forgotten how heavy those things could be! She did very well, weighing in at 8lbs 3oz. Much improved from her 7lbs 14oz on Sunday! If she's anything like her sister, though, she'll be slow to gain now. Squiget was in newborn size clothes until she was nearly 4 months old!!

Today was going to be the day my sister forced me to watch Merlin (her newest favouritest BBC show) with her. I was actually looking forward to it - but then my brother stopped by with his girlfriend and wanted to visit. Since we had been complaining about never seeing him, we couldn't exactly say: "Go away! We're watching our stories!" So we spent the entire afternoon visiting instead. And Goomba had an AMAZING poop while Mel was holding her. I laughed my head off.

Goomba with her Aunt and Uncle

Finally, she has her eye open!

Tonight we'll be watching more of the show. Should be fun. With all my hormones and mommy feels it will be nice to have something to take my mind off things.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

That's IT.

It's 2013 and I've had enough of the disaster that is my house.

I'm spending all day cleaning, sorting, and organizing Christmas and clutter out of my house. Conveniently  garbage day has been delayed one day AND it's large garbage pick-up day! I'll have plenty to throw out by the end of this!

Happy New Year!!